Jim Skamarakas

I am a huge fan of the Alien series - seem them all many many times, have loved them all, and if one was on some cable channel right now I would gladly go watch and sit till the end and deal with the lack of sleep eye pain drop to one knee till it passes. But Predator I never got into. It always ends the same way for me - invisible army and invisible spaceship is right there, just off camera. They watched the entire event, no chance of it getting out of control, and hell probably were making side wagers on the combat.

So as a movie concept, making a film of AVP simply because Danny Glover saw an Alien body part in a trophy case in a Predator film just does not cut it for me. Sure this caused all sorts of fan boys and since Fox owns both Alein and Predator then where glad to ring in the dough from comics and video games thanks to some prop person’s side joke. I wonder if the prop person looking into who actually owned the rights to the Alien image before putting it in the trophy case.

So here we have it, years and geeks and fan boys have begged for it. And I as a person outside of the chatter finally sat down tonight, baby in front of me playing on the comforter spread out on the living room floor. As an Alein movie goes, it was not the best, but is was enjoyable. We see the queen laying eggs, egg hatchings, 2 people sucked into the walls in the nest with goop to become breathing incubators, and acid acid everywhere. The Aliens communicate, learn to adapt and put up a good fight. All good B movie Alien goodness.

Then throw in the Predators. Invisible, never ending ultimate weapons, and for some unknown reason, they use earth for a play ground. But the playground is in Antartica 2000 feet down. Hmm, I did not know we had people living there centuries ago. They must have brought them in from Egypt and Central America during the warm seasons, or set up camp fires for them. Guess the Predators have the ability to make Antartica not cold also.

Paul Anderson gets props for Mortal Kombat, but he does not have a long list of great movies to his credit outside of the B movie sci-fi genre. Well B+, the plus for the big Hollywood budget. So we have a medium director not doing his best.

The humans, of yes I did forget about them. And after seeing them on the screen so will you. It is a collection of nobody you care to remember actors. Sanaa Lathan plays the heroine Alexa Woods. She is not five finger salute hot, has not done anything major, and in this film she dies and you cry. Err, no, she lives and your happy. Or does she die and your happy or lives and you cry? Well watch the movie to find out since I will not spoil the ending. But when it is over you will not remember either. Her performance does not move you in any way. In one memorable scene she tells the crew to move out and then pull guns. Here we see her Oscar moment - she stares and nothing while she counts to 3. Um, what member of the Fab 5 gave her acting lessons for that scene? She should demand a refund from her drama coach.

Raoul Bova is some guy out of Italy, who does a job worthy of a seocnd rate part delivering pizza to an orgy in an Italizan porn film. When the alien head or predator weapon kills him, you cheer for the killer. And we have to have him asked “How do you say xxx in Italian?” as if hearing “You are fucked” in a different language will make the situation any better.

Lance Henriksen has a long history of stuff you would not remember where he played roles you would not remember. His agent is doing a wonderful job. Here he plays Charles Bishop Weyland

Ewen Bremner is here also. You would remember him from Trainspotting if you tried really hard when you look at him on screen but not from his name in this review. Nothing else to say except he went that way Alien, sik em.

Which brings us to Colin Salmon who plays Maxwell Stafford. The name means nothing in the film, but he is a friend of the Director and they have worked together. Could be be the first black James Bond? After AVP lets hope not.

Lots of people, and in the end you will be rooting for the Aleins and the Predators to take the humans out first. They show their talents by cursing at the Aliens as they lunge for the kill. Maybe take a lesson from the Predators and fight instead of commenting on the appearances of the Aliens next meal - you.

So we know the date for this movie because they use the date to open a weapons chamber. But the scene outside has a full moon, which geeks on the Internet have been quick to point out the small factual error that the full moon for October 2004 would be on the 28th, not the 10th. Please go and get laid. Please.

Which is a little bit funny because anyone who has studied a small thing called the round sphere we live on would know that it is titled slightly and October is daylight in Antartica not night time as the movie scenes show us. /holds fingers to mouth and goes tee hee

The last part of the movie has us outside the 2000 feet down pyramid and down on the surface of Antartica. Even in the summertime it is cold there. The movie is set in the dark time whatever month that is. Well without the sun, it would be even colder. We see our heroine running around in a light piece of clothing and tussling on the ground yet never cold, shivering or just plain freaking dead from exposure. At least in Alien people die when they step out into a vacuum or get sucked out a small hole in a spaceships reentry into an atmosphere. Maybe the Predator influence is why the basic laws of physics on out planet do not matter in this film. Its science fiction not science does not matter Mr. Anderson.

Lastly, if you are going to make a movie about ancient pyramids with stuff on the wall, maybe the stuff carved into the wall could be accurate? How did the Aztecs know how long 10 minutes on a digital watch was? Oh the Predators set the timers. Um, they use the same unit of measurement for time as humans who didn’t exist yet did? Wow - deja vu on that one. I am sure if I bothered to watch the film again, which I will not, and looked up every fact quoted I would find it filled with errors. And if I did not I would be dam suprised. I think that crow is still safe from my plate, fork and knife over this movie.

1 out of 5 stars - it is the worst Alien movie, has humans you want to see killed off for being cliche’s in boots, and the Predators who make their typical invisible but always present appearance.Fans of Alien will like seeing the beasts again, but the rest of the film will dissapoint. I am not a Predator fan so I don’t know what a fan of that series will say on the film. AVP, no matter who wins we lose our money and 2 hours of our lives watching this piece of trash.

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